This Is How I Fight My Battles: Feeling All Alone

Have you ever felt like you were in your own world? You know that time when you honestly couldn’t think of single person you could turn to when you really needed help with the messy stuff of life? Do you know that battle? Or maybe you were in a room full of friends and felt the loneliest that you had felt all week when you were with them? Maybe there have been things that you have been feeling the burden of on your heart that you desperately wanted to share with someone – ANYONE that would listen. Someone that would not only listen, but seek to fully understand and not judge you for what you shared with them. I understand that battle of feeling alone too – all too well.

Maybe if you’re like me, you also have this huge need for independence and to do things your own way. That’s me! (Anyone else raising their hand too?) If yes, you are the type of person that wants to do as much as possible on your own without asking for help or relying on someone else. You don’t want to put your fate or your future in the hands of someone else. You want control. I want control. Many of us want control. If you’ve ever felt this battle for independence & control while feeling alone, you are definitely not the only one fighting that battle. Welcome to the inside of my world. 😉

Even though I’ve always loved being independent (for the most part), there is one person who is my go to person when I do need support, help, or love. When I’m fighting that battle of being independent and yet trying to ask for help, that special person who helps me so much is my grandma; just another independent older version of myself.

Ever since I can remember, visiting my grandma’s house to see her has been a place of healing and escape for me.

When I was just a kid, we would regularly do weekend getaways to grandma’s. Then there were so many holidays spent at her house which was always filled with so many magic moments that are now cherished memories for a lifetime.

Once I turned 18 and went off to college in Wisconsin, God was looking out for me because my freshman year’s “random roommate” turned out to be from the city right next to where my grandma lived. So when I felt all the pressures of class, exams, and fitting in, I always could go home with my roommate for the weekend and get dropped off at my grandma’s to escape all the pressures.

Later on in college I was battling my first experience being diagnosed with mild depression and I cannot even begin to explain how alone I felt and how embarrassed I felt at the time for working with a counselor on campus each week. I especially felt so misunderstood by my family so I chose to not move back home that summer like every “normal” college student does. (Not that my family didn’t try to understand, but I was too embarrassed at the time to even talk to them about my depression and what I was experiencing.) Instead, I asked my grandma if I could live with her for the summer. And you know what? She welcomed me with open arms. We experienced so many beautiful memories and even some hard ones during the time that I lived with her. She’s a huge worrier; I’ll just leave it at that. 😉

After college, I would always wind up at grandma’s when I was really stressed out from work or when I was going through a heartache from a break up with whoever I had just been dating. Every break up was tears, veggie pizza from Papa Murphy’s and watching Shark Tank at grandma’s house. She would remind me how special I am and even tear up a little when she would see me crying in the chair next to her as I would tell her about the break up.

I eventually realized just how much I needed my grandma in my everyday life that I eventually decided to move to live next to her. Now I’m just a 4 minute drive down the road. But here’s the thing…. Did I tell everyone that I was moving to take care of her more and help her with things? Yes, absolutely! And although that was all true, I think I also did it because internally I knew I needed her just as much as she needed me. We have a bond like that.

So when I’m fighting my battle of feeling all alone and not understood by anyone, what do I do?

I run, walk, or drive over to grandma’s house.

Yes, I definitely pray, seek God’s guidance, and do all the internal work I need to, but at some point I always head over to grandma’s for that extra comfort and love that only a grandma can give you.

People often ask me how I am so close with my grandma and to me it’s a no brainer. My grandma has my back 100% and I have hers as well. We have each other. I’ve never felt like I had to compete for my grandma’s love or attention, I’ve just always known it’s been there the whole time unconditionally. I feel so grateful that I’ve been able to experience this special connection with only her. She knows my heart and soul at the deepest level. I can speak my heart to her and she always listens.

The special bond that we have is one of a kind and even though I tried to describe it here, words can’t fully capture all the moments, smiles, hugs, and feelings that have created our connection. I mean, how many people can actually say they took their grandma wig shopping and enjoyed it because it made her feel good to have that beautiful head of hair again?

As I’ve gotten older, one thing that I will always cherish is the time that my grandma met Kurt. He was the first boyfriend that I ever introduced to her and he got all excited when grandma kissed his cheek and told him that she loved him early on. Now being able to hang out with my fiancé and my grandma together on a semi regular basis totally makes my day! I am still endlessly grateful that God brought into my life a man that valued me so much and the relationship that I have with my grandma. Kurt values it so much that he encourages it and also enjoys being a part of it when he can.

So yes, I think it’s safe to say that grandma and I not only fight our battle of feeling alone with each other, but also with God by our side. Nothing is more powerful than making space to let God get bigger in our lives by praying, reading His word, and listening to music that helps us feel God’s presence.

I know you might not have a grandma Anna Mae like mine, but you may have someone that fills that role for you or you might have someone that has the potential to fill that role for you. Just know that you don’t have to do this life alone. We weren’t meant to. God didn’t create us to do life alone.

What would make you feel more connected and not so alone right now, in this very moment? Call that friend, text that brother or sister, and say an extra prayer to God even if part of you doubts that He cares about you right now. It’s true that HE has a lot to do, but He always promises to care about us and love us no matter what we are going through.

Psalm 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

Whatever wound you have, God promises to heal it. Yes, it’s important to do everything we can to make it better with using our own abilities to their fullest; and while we are occupied with doing our best to make our situation better, God is working His miracles to help us every step of the way.

And here’s my sweet grandma Anna Mae –

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About Amanda

Hi Darlings! I'm Amanda! I'm all about intentionally creating a life worth falling in love with. I am a life design coach based in the heart of Minnesota embracing life with my mini doxie named Boots.